The joys of parenting

I was really lucky when my kids were in preschool, we had a co-op preschool near us where parents were actually the students. I had to work one day a week, and after the class in which I worked there was a parenting seminar. Everything we did, all the ways we were taught to deal with the issues that come up in parenting, were based on the Positive Discipline series of books by Jane Nelsen.


I loved the co-op... there were parents there who were interested in being the same kind of parent that I wanted to be, and they were very supportive and loving, both to me and to my children. I can tell you, though, that when my kids were very little (like 2 and 4) I needed a LOT of help trying to be a respectful parent (I didn't have good models for the kind of parenting I wanted to do). The problem was that I didn't have a lot of time to pour over the books... face it, I was exhausted!

This same group has come up with Positive Discipline cards! It's genius! I bought mine about a year ago... but I have to admit that they sat around in their box for most of that year. Having been out of the co-op since spring, I'm struggling to keep up my parenting skills. Lately, I've pulled them out and started using them again. I use them like tarot cards, just lay them out and pull one. Often, it gets right to the heart of the problem I have.

My favorite cards are:
Validate Feelings
1) Allow children to have their feelings so they can learn they are capable of dealing with them.
2) Don't fix, rescue, or try to talk children out of their feelings.
3) Validate their feelings: "I can see you are really (angry, upset, sad)".
4) Then keep quiet and have faith in your children to work it through.

...or...

Teach children what to do
Instead of telling young children what NOT to do, teach them what they CAN do.
1) Instead of, "don't hit", teach, "touch nicely", and demonstrate.
2) After teaching remind by asking, "how do you touch nicely?"
3) Teach about throwing the ball outside, then remind them by asking, "where do you throw the ball?"
4) Instead of "Don't touch the lamp" give them something else to do. Ex: "You can play with the pans"

But I think these are my favorites because they're two that I'm good at doing... others are much harder for me... like...

Act without words
At times the most effective thing to do is be quiet and act
1) Let kids know in advance what you are going to do
2) Check that they understand by asking: "what is your understanding of what I'm going to do?
3) Follow through by acting kindly and firmly without saying a word.
For example: Pull over if kids fight while you are driving. Read a book until they let you know you're ready.

I realize that I often tell my kids what to do... instead of letting them be capable of doing what needs to be done. Sigh... it's so hard.

My favorite thing about this deck are the underlying idea cards. They elucidate one of the basic principles of this technique, my favorite? Focus on long-term results. When you use "discipline", consider what your children are learning from your methods. Are they learning communication skills, problem-solving skills, social interest, to feel capable? Or are they learning that the one who has the most power can treat others disrespectfully?

Disclaimer: This was my personal experience and I'm simply sharing. I'm not suggesting that this is the only way to raise children, it's just my way... and I'm sharing in case it can help someone else...